Tinky Winky Has Stage 4 Colon Cancer
“I’m really sorry to tell you this, Laa-Laa, but we can’t put Mr. Winky through any of our clinical trials. He’s too high-risk.” Dr. Goldman, the rabbit from yonder, said. Laa-Laa burst into tears. “I’m so sorry. Take all the time you need.”
Laa-Laa’s lemony fur had gone a shade grayer since the rabbit doctor had last seen her. She leaned her gigantic teletubby head into his shoulder and wept. Her shoulders contorted and she struggled to maintain composure. Goldman put an awkward arm around her, praying to the lord up above that the teletubby clan wasn’t carnivorous.
He took a deep breath. “Okay. Look. There is one treatment we can try.”
Laa-Laa squeezed his tiny rabbit frame even harder. He worried she’d snap his spine in half like a twig. “Please, tell me!”
“It’s risky. But..well–there’s nothing we can do for him. We can try an experimental cure–”
“DOCTOR! PLEASE!” Laa-Laa’s ragged breathing jammed its way into his ears.
“Mrs. Laa, have you ever heard of…euthanasia?”
Dr. Goldman suddenly felt his back break. His body would later be found by investigators in the dumpster in the back.
“Useless fucking chump,” Laa-Laa muttered.
• • •
Laa-Laa smoked a cigarette and paced around the ‘dome like a madtubby. She was muttering gibberish under her breath, until Dipsy, who was sitting next to a sleeping Tinky Winky in bed, coughed. She stopped and looked at him sharply.
“You’re giving me a migraine, Laa. For the love of christ, sit down.”
Laa-Laa put her head in her hands and threw the cigarette on the floor. She stomped it out. “I hope you don’t get a single fucking dime.”
Dipsy chuckled and pat Tinky’s belly. “Honey, you think he even remembers you? You really think that because you gave him neck at Noo-Noo’s party, you’re in his will?”
“You’re a pathetic little rat. I hope you know that.”
“A rat’s a rat’s a rat. Get over it, already. I did Po a favor. She’s probably getting mad dick at Gitmo.”
“I’m not talking to you about this.”
“Did you suck Goldman off, too?”
“Fuck you,” Laa-Laa said. She walked out of the ‘dome and slammed the door shut behind her.
• • •
Sun Baby stared down at the scene below with tired eyes. It’d been a long while since she’d seen the teletubbies experience true joy, especially since Tinky Winky’s cancer set in. She was headed into an early grave herself. Dr. Goldman had told her some years ago that she was on her last legs, that a supernova was a strong possibility. Sun Baby had suppressed that grief to keep the teletubbies alive and well, but soon enough, Tinky Winky’s cancer overtook them all, one way or another. She’d watched as one by one they all turned on each other. It disgusted her, but more, it hurt that she wasn’t able to do anything to make them happier.
It was safe to say the teletubbies weren’t kids anymore. The Tubbytronic Superdome had seen better days, that was for sure.
Po was always the gentle one, and now she was off in prison, no thanks to Dipsy. Sun Baby had never liked him. He was a devious little shit, to be sure, and it was only a matter of time before it manifested itself. The government of the Magical Land put Po on their terrorist watchlist for her foreign tongue, and once Dipsy played up a couple of innocent stories, they had a warrant to put her on trial as a leading suspect for the destruction of the twin towers.
Laa-Laa and Sun Baby had provided strong witness statements, but unfortunately, the key witness in Po’s alibi, Tinky, was comatose. Her story fell through, and well, here Sun Baby was, rising and setting without purpose until her death.
She saw Laa-Laa walk around the grassy fields around the Superdome. “Laa!”
Laa-Laa turned her head up–and quickly looked back down to avoid blindness. “What is it, Sunny?”
“WAAAAAAAAH!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!”
“I’m not going to do that.”
“ GURGLE WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“Are you out of your mind?”
Sun Baby sighed. Laa-Laa kept walking. So she wasn’t going to kill Dipsy. That was unfortunate.
Laa-Laa gave a thumbs up and kept walking. Hmm.
• • •
Dipsy was injecting heroin into his forearm when he heard a knock on the door. He smirked. “You come crawling back to daddy, huh, Laa?”
“FBI, open up.”
“Yeah. Nice try, Noo-Noo.” Dipsy realized it was a mistake to give the vacuum a voice disk.
“You have until the count of five to open this door for us, Mr. Cunningham.”
Did Noo-Noo know his last name? Probably, right?
“Suck my fat tubby dick.”
The door was broken from its hinges, and a group of well-dressed rabbits poured through. “Dipsy Cunningham, you are under arrest for possession of illegal narcotics.”
Dipsy looked around in disbelief. Noo-Noo’s eyes lit up and he drove to Dipsy’s side, quivering and making slurping noises. Dipsy reached into the couch cushions.
A rabbit with a goatee stepped forward and flashed his badge. “Mr. Cunningham, we’d advise you not to make this harder than it needs to be.”
Dipsy could not speak. He put his hands in the air. “I should’ve voted libertarian.”
“Save it for the judge,” a fed with a buzzcut said, cackling.
Noo-Noo made a sucking noise while Dipsy got cuffed. “Yeah, yeah, buddy. I hate that it had to end this way. But I’ll get out once the Tinky money comes in, you’ll see.”
He was marched into a police carrot. Noo-Noo stared at him from the entrance, following the car with his beady little vacuum cleaner eyes until it disappeared into the horizon. Then, he made a collect call.
• • •
Po fiddled with her eyepatch while her cafeteria food got cold. A guard approached her nervously. “Um… Mrs. Po. You have a call.”
“From whom?” She said. In Cantonese.
“I-I don’t know.”
This guy was probably new, she figured. She’d let him off easy. This time. Quick as a flash, she jammed a fork into his stomach. He yelped in pain, but nobody in the cafeteria dared to look at the scene. “Next time it’ll be your eye,” she said. In Cantonese.
She went over to pick up the collect call. “Yeah?” she said. In Cantonese.
Slurping noises came from the other end.
“You’re kidding, baby.” (In Cantonese)
More slurping.
“Oh my god.” (In Cantonese)
Gleeful sucking.
“I can’t wait to shank him, baby. Thank you so much. It’s finally happening.” (In Cantonese).
She hung up the phone, then went to finish her cold food with a smile. A month later, Dipsy Cunningham was shanked to death in the showers of co-ed Gitmo.
• • •
Laa-Laa sat next to Tinky Winky, who had woken up for the first time in a week. Noo-Noo sat next to her. They shared knowing smiles. Tinky looked at them, confused. “What happened? Where’s Dipsy?”
“Dipsy’s going on vacation,” she said.
Mournful sucking. Noo-Noo was such a good actor, Laa-Laa thought.
“I see.”
“Now that you’re awake, I’d like to ask you something, Tink.”
“Hit me,” he said.
“Who’s getting the kids’ show money?”
Tink chuckled. “Beats me.”
Laa-Laa sighed. “Don’t fuck around with me, Tink. I’ve got kids to feed.”
“I think we both know you lost that custody battle, Laa.”
“Did you really write Dipsy into your will?”
Tink groaned.
“Play ball with me.”
“I can’t get out of bed.”
Laa put her hand on Tinky’s chest. “You know what I mean.”
“I’m not writing you into my will, and that’s final.”
“What about Po?”
“I don’t like immigrants.”
Noo-Noo made an angry slurping noise.
“Who cares if she’s your wife? Leave me alone. I need my rest.”
Laa-Laa exhaled slowly. It was a shame it had to come to this. She pulled her smartphone out of her pocket.
“Say into the mic that you’re passing your will down to me.”
“No.”
“Do it, or I’ll smother you to death with the pillow. Nobody will hear you scream. Nobody will miss you when you’re dead.”
“I’m dying anyway, so either suck my dick again, or leave me alone.”
Noo-Noo sucked sharply.
Laa-Laa took a deep breath, and pulled Tinky’s pillow out from underneath his head.
“Wha–”
She pressed it down into his face. He wriggled around a little, but he was far too weak to put up a good fight. After a minute, he stopped moving. She carefully lifted his head up and put the pillow back underneath.
Laa-Laa looked down at the vacuum cleaner. “I can’t believe Tink died in his sleep.”
• • •
epilogue
Laa-Laa ended up going to prison for murdering Dr. Goldman. She had brief stint in co-ed gitmo, but once Tinky Winky’s acting dividends got distributed between her, Po, and Noo-Noo, she managed to buy herself out of prison. Legend has it she’s still singing the praises of capitalism to this day.
Po and Noo-Noo ended up getting divorced after Po moved back to her homeland of Canton, a faraway magical land where [insert liberalism]. She and Noo-Noo still talk on the phone, occasionally. Some say she still wears an eyepatch, despite there being much more efficient, yet admittedly less badass, options available.
Noo-Noo is doing good, I think.
Sun Baby exploded, killing everybody, and is “enjoying the black hole life, I’ve never been so attractive!”
Dr. Goldberg’s kids wound up dropping out of high school due to the trauma of losing their loving father. They are now in rehab. As employees.