Movies I Watched December 2023

Black Swan - dir. Darren Aronofsky

Psychological Horror

Aronofsky is pretty good at doing body horror and conveying a sense of nightmarish surreality, but in terms of metaphors this film sorta drops the ball for me. I like what it’s going for, this American Psycho-esque idea of perfection driving people crazy (this film being, in my perception, an attempt to explore this through the lens of femininity). But nothing here really feels earned to me. The dialogue is on-the-nose, to start with. It lacks any sense of subtext, and doesn’t strike me as believable in any way. If a movie’s dialogue doesn’t impress me, I won’t like the movie, so the fact that I still rate this film positively speaks to the strength of its visuals, which are admittedly pretty awesome. 7/10.

The Lobster - dir. Yorgos Lanthimos

Black Comedy/Drama

The Lobster has been on my list of shit to watch almost since its release date. For some reason, it’s taken me this long to get to it. Having loved Sacred Deer, I went into The Lobster optimistically, given its brilliantly weird premise. And for what it’s worth, the premise is executed pretty much perfectly in the first half of the movie.

Too bad there’s a second half. 6/10.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High - dir. Amy Heckerling

Teen Comedy/Romance

Really loved this movie as a kid, and while it doesn’t hold up, it’s still a fun time. I didn’t appreciate Spicoli/Mr Hand nearly as much back then, and now they’re basically my favorite part of the movie. Wish Spicoli was more of a central character because the love triangle between Rat/Damone/Stacy was kinda meh. Damone is great, don’t get me wrong, a real great skeeve, but Spicoli is just awesome. This isn’t a masterpiece, but I’m a sucker for 70’s and 80’s coming-of-age movies. 7/10.

Eega - dir. S.S. Rajamouli

Action/Romance/Fantasy/Revenge

Dawg, I don’t even know what to say. Like okay, at first I thought, this dialogue is really funny, but the movie isn’t blowing me away or anything. And then homie gets turned into a fly and uhhhhh yeah this is one of the most brilliant action movies ever made. Cannot stress enough how unbelievably ambitious this movie is, how much love and passion must have OBVIOUSLY went into every single scene. Rajamouli not only takes his own goofy premise seriously but completely sells it. The premise is FULLY utilized. Pure cinematic brilliance. Everything about it man. The music. The action. The dialogue. The editing. The VFX. The story. Just an absolute fucking banger. 10/10.

Beau Is Afraid - dir. Ari Aster

Surrealist Horror

Sheesh. Okay. Wow. Fuuuck.

So. Raw thoughts. I don’t want to let shit simmer for too long, because the gut visceral response I have to the newest Ari Aster joint is the most personal I’ve had watching a movie of his. Why? Why does it feel so painfully true to the OCD/anxiety experience? It’s not EXACTLY like this, obviously, but goddamn if it doesn’t feel like it hits close to home.

What stops this from feeling like emotional torture porn is the fact that, at the end of the day, Beau is an active character, who actively tries to survive, who actively fights for himself. The odds are overwhelmingly stacked against him, but he is an inherently empathetic character. At least, to me, he was. God bless Joaquin Phoenix. What a powerhouse of an actor.

The scene that feels most OCD-esque to me is the ending. The negative voices seem to ring out so much more loud and confident than the positive. Your own mind is its own greatest enemy. You can never win an argument with your intrusive thoughts. In Beau’s mind, he’s always guilty, always at fault, always terrified of the worst-case scenario. Crazy fucking relatable. I would not wish OCD on my worst enemy. Mentally, this movie is pretty much exactly what it’s like. Dead-fucking-on. 9/10.

Johnny Dangerously - dir. Amy Heckerling

Parody/Crime

Really funny movie, if a bit overlong. Michael Keaton has so much fun with this character, and to me Johnny is an example of a suave male lead who actually exemplifies a lot of good ‘masculine’ traits. He’s generous, forgiving, patient, kind, respectful, he’s just an easy protagonist to root for. The visual gags here are also great. I wish visual comedy would come back. It’s hilarious. 7/10.

Awaara - dir. Raj Kapoor

Drama/Musical/Epic

Not gonna give this a score because I didn’t watch much of it. Ultimately it became clear very quickly that this movie wasn’t really for me. For one, it features musical segments (it is a musical, duh), and I generally do not like musicals. I would’ve given it a chance if the music was enjoyable but with the poorly preserved audio quality it just wasn’t engaging at that point.

National Lampoon’s European Vacation - dir. Amy Heckerling

Comedy

I vaguely remember enjoying the original Vacation movie as a kid, although I always preferred the 2015 remake starring Ed Helms. It’s a lot funnier, in my opinion. In my quest to binge Amy Heckerling’s filmography, this movie is by far the most mean-spirited thus far. Twenty minutes in, I had to call it quits. It wasn’t funny and it was just really awkward. I can’t even explain it. Just… yuck, man. Why did they make Audrey such a punching bag? It wasn’t funny. 2/10.

Blade Runner - dir. Ridley Scott

Dystopian Sci-Fi/Action

A film entirely carried by its phenomenal audiovisual aesthetics. The soundtrack is maybe one of the best ever. Longing, sad synthy jazz compositions perfectly underscore a deeply unpleasant, mucked-up world. Night and rain are everpresent, brightly lit commercial billboards are the only light available. Unfortunately, the main character just kind of sucks ass in a very uninteresting way. The only time he isn’t a stone-faced boring generic cop character is when he sexually assaults a woman (which I guess is pretty standard cop behavior too). The sexual assault doesn’t ruin the movie, but it certainly makes the already dull character of Deckard even worse. Nothing interesting is really being said with this movie either. The fact that I gave it a 3.5 stars is a testament to how strong the soundtrack and visuals are because the rest of this movie wasn’t worth writing home about. 7/10.

Starlet - dir. Sean Baker

Drama

Nobody can tell a story about Los Angeles like Sean Baker. Nobody can wring out authentic, vulnerable performances like Sean Baker. In the film industry, there is nobody directing like Sean Baker. But I’m sure if he read this, he’d give all the credit to the actors. Which, yknow, would be fair. Every one of them here is simply phenomenal. Dree Hemingway and Besedka Johnson (RIP) deserve all the praise in the world for living the lives of their characters with such vulnerability. I use that word a lot, and it’s for good reason–the best films allow for the vulnerable. Starlet features some incredibly unsavory characters (such as the profoundly insufferable Melissa and Mikey) but it never feels exploitative or mean-spirited, but rather honest and true. 8/10.

Look Who’s Talking - dir. Amy Heckerling

RomCom

Amy Heckerling is the goddess of the 7/10 movie. I thought Look Who’s Talking was a really cute time. It’s not breaking any new ground or anything, but it’s extremely charming, and I liked the chemistry between Travolta and Alley (the kid was really funny too, props to Bruce Willis). Just a likable movie. 7/10.

Rosemary’s Baby - dir. Roman Polanski

Psychological Horror

Slow burn, but undeniably potent. People will tell me that old horror movies get a pass for not being scary, but Rosemary’s Baby shits all over that assertion. It’s genuinely a harrowing watch, and by the time the plot really started rolling I was rapt. Feels like a huge precursor to a lot of modern psychological horror. You’re basically watching a woman get her mind completely turned inside out by a bunch of Satanic cultists (and her husband). Right up until the very end, the script keeps us guessing. Is Rosemary actually just insane? Watch this motherfucker and find out. 9/10.

Look Who’s Talking Too - dir. Amy Heckerling

Comedy

Pointless sequel does pointless sequel things. It wasn’t the worst piece of shit imaginable but it was very dull and unfun compared to its predecessor. I like that we see a marriage on the rocks, but I just can’t shake this feeling of “why does this exist” as I watch the movie. Plus they introduce Mollie’s annoying brother (who is extremely annoying and unfunny) and several new child characters with their own voiceover. If you want to explore marital quarrels, commit to it. There’s just too much random shit going on here that feels tonally inconsistent, and more than anything–unfunny. 3/10.

Whisper of the Heart - dir. Yoshifumi Kondo

Romance

Suffers from Studio Midli syndrome. Cute vibes but ultimately unimpactful. Just one of those Ghibli movies that offers very little besides a few sweet moments and one breathtaking use of scale (which Ghibli always excels at). 5/10.

Clueless - dir. Amy Heckerling

Teen Comedy/Romance

Clueless is what Barbie wishes it could be. A genuinely hilarious movie about a naive blonde white girl becoming a better person. That’s not to say Cher’s unlikable or obnoxious or even shitty, she’s just… clueless. Which actually makes her relatable, and likable. Sure, she’s shallow, but she does mean well and she does justice by her friends and family. Her character arc is natural and well-paced, and by the end of the movie I honestly felt proud of Cher.

Amy Heckerling is terrific at writing and directing female leads that are flawed, empathetic, and funny. I haven’t completed her filmography yet, but I have a good feeling this film is her magnum opus. 8/10.

In This Corner of the World - dir. Sunao Katabuchi

War/Drama

I waited an hour for something remotely interesting to happen and nothing happened. The protagonist is insufferably bland, the characters around her are just kind of fucking annoying, and the animation doesn’t even look that good. Every character straight up looks the same. Snore. 3/10.

Loser - dir. Amy Heckerling

Teen Comedy/Romance

It’s funny that just as soon as I finish writing a review of Clueless describing it as “her magnum opus,” I watch her next film and it turns out to be one of my new favorite movies ever made. I’m sorry! I guess I was just in the right place in my life to connect with ‘Loser’ as much as possible. Jason Biggs plays a really sweet guy who is awkward as fuck and failing to fit into college. He’s into a girl who’s swept up in a predatory relationship with an older professor, and he’s got the worst roommates of all time, comically so.

Midway through the movie, I worried that maybe this was an incel film, but I have a lot of trust in Heckerling’s approach to stories about teenagers, and she didn’t let me down here at all. Dora may have the hallmarks of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope, but unlike them she has an inner life and plenty of agency throughout the story. Paul might seem like your fairly average schmuck manipulator (a common cliche in these kinds of films) but he’s a genuinely rootable guy without any sense of entitlement or unchecked douchery.

I realized that I was looking for reasons to distrust my own emotional assessment of the film. I was like, okay, surely I must be overstating its quality because of my connection to the main character’s struggle to fit into college? But no. It’s just a really well-written, sweet movie. 10/10.

The Long Goodbye - dir. Robert Altman

Neo-Noir

I want to be Elliott Gould so fucking badly dude. I have found one of my new masculine icons. Phillip Marlowe. Smart-ass loser private eye with a pet cat and a nicotine addiction? Oh man. Oh MAN. First thing I need to do is buy a pack of cigarettes and get started. Can’t wait to be a burnout in my thirties. Exciting stuff.

Something about Robert Altman’s filmmaking speaks to me. I’ve seen two of his films now, and despite their simple plots, it’s hard to take my eyes off of them. I think it might be a combination of the casting and the improvisational-sounding dialogue that gets me. Gould is able to carry so much intrigue with his little muttered quips.

I gotta say, I’m really excited to check out the rest of Altman’s filmography. 8/10.

I Could Never Be Your Woman - dir. Amy Heckerling

RomCom

Wow. This is really unfunny. 2/10.

The Man With Three Coffins - dir. Lee Chang-ho

Drama

Interesting ideas, like red tinted cinematography to allude to what I assume to be a motif of war and bloodshed. Unfortunately, I just wasn’t really messing with the story at all, or anything that was going on. 4/10.

Vamps - dir. Amy Heckerling

Comedy/Horror

Very cool premise, almost like a predecessor to Taika Waititi’s What We Do In the Shadows, but unlike that movie, Vamps isn’t funny or inventive to nearly the same degree. The idea of a romcom about two vampires is ripe with potential, but it falls flat with a toothless script (no pun intended) that doesn’t take much advantage of the premise’s inherent visual comedy. As Heckerling’s final film (for now at least) this is kind of disappointing. 3/10.

The Piano - dir. Jane Campion

Period Romance

As a general rule, I find period romances boring. But I loved Power of the Dog (Campion’s newest flick) and I was willing to give this movie over an hour of my time. I feel like you need to be invested in Hunter and Keitel’s romance to give a damn about it, but I didn’t, and the film is a bland experience at best. Period romances STILL haven’t won me over. 3/10.

Save the Tiger - dir. John G. Avildsen

Drama

A snapshot of cynicism, lens pointed at a broken-down American dream. Jack Lemmon does a terrific job bringing this husk of a man to life. He’s amoral yet sympathetic; pathetic yet charming. It’s so fascinating how every generation seems to think they’ve come of age during America’s twilight years. The Sopranos was a show in the early 2000’s centered around this idea, and it took place 30 years after Save the Tiger. I think that’s kind of the point of the movie though. While we may empathize with Harry’s longing for the simpler days of the past, we know, through hindsight, that it’s just nostalgia. It’s not reflective of reality. Kids still play ball, tigers are still around, and business is business. 6/10.

Date Wine - dir. Radwan El Kashef

Drama

Just didn’t do much for me. I respect the vision though. 5/10.

W.W. and the Dixie Dancekings - dir. John G. Avildsen

Comedy/Western

Cute 50’s vibes but nothing else. Maybe I’m just losing my attention span or patience. 3/10.

Blade Runner 2049 - dir. Denis Villeneuve

Neo-Noir/Sci-Fi/Action

A massive step-up from the original Blade Runner in literally every way. My main critique is that it slows down to a crawl when Deckard shows up, but the rest is just ridiculously good sci-fi. Ryan Gosling’s more reserved acting works especially well for the replicant character. Very bleak, but beautiful. 8/10.

The Karate Kid - dir. John G. Avildsen

Sports/Coming-of-Age

My delve into John G. Avilden’s filmography led me to revisit this 80’s classic, and while its value as a comfort film does register with me (having seen it way back when I was a kid), I think it is thematically very clumsy.

An obvious comparison to draw in the context of Avildsen’s work is Rocky, which tells a similar underdog narrative. The difference is that unlike Rocky, Karate Kid isn’t subversive or rich with character. Sylvester Stallone injects a fully breathing life into Rocky as a character, who goes far beyond just being a boxer chasing a big break. As I wrote in my Rocky review, the movie is not a story of a boxer, but a story of a man and a woman opening themselves up to each other. The fact that Rocky loses in the end contributes to this interpretation, because it was never about winning or losing, it was about Rocky pushing himself to be vulnerable, to leave it all on the line.

Now as for the Karate Kid, there are intriguing fragments of character that are, in my opinion, left untapped. LaRusso’s missing father figure, for one, likely informs his hotheaded personality, his need to come across as a tough guy, but it’s not like he sheds that tough guy act by the end of the movie. It’s cute to see LaRusso and Miyagi grow close, but LaRusso’s character by the end of the movie is fundamentally the same as he was in the beginning, he just happens to know some cool karate moves.

Another moment of wasted potential is LaRusso’s apology to Ali. This could’ve been the perfect moment to show LaRusso’s development from a frustrated young man upset with feelings of inadequacy to a more emotionally mature teenager, but the apology scene feels half-baked and unearned.

That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy this movie. It’s entertaining, of course. It looks really good, the performances are all really solid. I identified a little bit with Daniel, as somebody who’s moved around a lot. So I definitely liked the movie, but when I compare it to Avildsen’s better films, I can’t help but feel disappointed. 6/10.

Funny Games (U.S.) - dir. Michael Haneke

Psychological Horror

Michael Haneke crafts the ultimate troll movie, playing into genre while also confidently flouting its norms. It works as a psychological/slasher, terrifying, brutal, and grotesque, but it sets itself apart in its pointed critique of them.

We allow ourselves to indulge in the violence of cinema, because in many ways, it makes itself appealing, cathartic, vindicating. It’s cartoonishly brutal sometimes, and we grimace and grin at how alien it is. It’s impossibly divorced from reality in a way that provides a sense of escape. Or it’s lavished in justification and catharsis; a character getting brutal, over-the-top revenge in a satisfying scene of emotional release.

That’s not to say you’re a bad person for enjoying this stuff. Hell, I fucking love that shit. Violence in movies and sex on TV. It’s great. But it is, at its core, an enjoyment of violence. I don’t feel a need to morally justify myself for loving it, but it is probably a little sadistic by nature, and Funny Games shines a spotlight on that relationship by giving ZERO catharsis at all, whatsoever. There is nothing satisfying or entertaining about this movie. It’s tense, stiff and uncomfortably believable. It’s violence at its realest and most soul-crushing. It’s brilliant. 9/10.

The Monkey King: Havoc In Heaven - dir. Wan Leiming

Fable

Anybody who says this movie features ‘beautiful’ animation is lying through their teeth. This movie looks like complete shit, from the uninspired backgrounds to the colors to how the characters move. On top of that, the voice acting is grating as shit, especially from the main character. 2/10.

A Night In Heaven - dir. John G. Avildsen

Romance

This movie blows its load in the first 5 minutes by having a melodramatic driving montage set to Bryan Adams’ ‘Heaven’. It’s obvious the movie wants me to feel some sense of grandiose poignance. And it might’ve worked if I was more susceptible to 80’s cheese. But come the fuck on, you really think I’m going to feel something? Fuck off. 2/10.

The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes - dir. Francis Lawrence

Drama/Action

My short review for this was partly ironic but also not really. This is one of the funniest movies I’ve seen in a while. So bafflingly silly and self-serious that it becomes genuinely hilarious. The dialogue and acting is so freakishly terrible that it wouldn’t surprise me if the screenplay was a scrapped and repurposed Riverdale plotline. When Rachel Zeigler started talking in a Southern accent it took every ounce of self-control I had not to annoy the rest of the theater by laughing. What a great time. 2/10.

Sweet Bean - dir. Naomi Kawase

Slice-of-Life/Drama

Mesmerizing, slow, sweet; it’s kind of incredible how invested I was in the relationship between Sentaro and Tokue, a story about two lost souls discovering comfort in age-old culinary traditions. Tokue is an old woman whose life has been largely lost to a disease, and Sentaro a man still trying to recover from mistakes he made long ago. Together, in a manner reminiscent to Harold and Maude, they open themselves up to a love. 8/10.

Mandy - dir. Panos Cosmatos

Horror/Action

It’s a very cool movie. Obviously it goes without saying that it’s visually awesome, but it’s not saying much, and the first hour is incredibly meandering. Nic Cage carries. 6/10.

Leave the World Behind - dir. Sam Esmail

Apocalyptic/Psychological Horror

These kinds of movies are like comfort food to me. Psychological thrillers with some high stakes, mindfucky twists, etc. So I definitely enjoyed this. But did I actually consider it to be well-written? Did its social critique land? Nah. It was very ham-fisted and the dialogue was riddled with forced exposition, which constantly stopped me from being able to connect to any of the characters. Very funny that one of the scariest scenes in the movie involves Teslas. 4/10.

The Power of One - dir. John G. Avildsen

Drama

Just very silly. I’m sorry but hearing this kid voiceover in the most monotone voice possible about the most over-the-top sad shit is so fucking funny.

May December - dir. Todd Haynes

Psychological Thriller

Makes perfect sense that she’s a hunter. A predator. And of course he collects butterflies, a physical representation of the life cycle he never got to complete. It’s insane just how sad this movie is, how much weight is carried on the back of Charles Melton’s performance, which may appear underdeveloped at first glance–until you realize that it is in fact, very intentionally, underdeveloped and awkward, like a child in the body of a man. This is a kid who’s been raped and forced to contend with it by becoming a family man right there on the spot, and it’s agonizing to watch. Just a ridiculously good movie, one of the best of the year no doubt. 8/10.

Once Upon a Time in the West - dir. Sergio Leone

Western/Epic

Tension is used to drag out a lot of scenes here. An almost comical amount, I’d say, comical because in order for the audience to feel tense they need to care about the characters. Problem is, like most men in movies pre-70’s, the only emotion these guys know how to portray is stone cold stoic badassery. Very cool! Except I don’t give a single shit about any of the male characters, which is bad because there are a lot of them and there are at least six trillion scenes involving them giving each other vague squints for five minutes straight.

Closest I came to caring about anything on screen was seeing Jill fight tooth and nail to project this aura of ferocity, trying her damndest to pass herself off as invulnerable to the dangerous outlaws circling her turf. I thought, wow, this is a really cool movie about a woman in a man’s world, trying to survive on her limited skillset alone.

Too bad the movie isn’t actually about that. It’s actually just generic cowboys being generic cowboys, which is definitely a good time if you’re a college student who wants to suck his film professor’s dick, but that’s not my idea of a good time, personally.

I will say that the movie is technically well-made and yada yada yada generic letterboxd praise good soundtrack yada yada blah blah blah 4/10.

Swiss Army Man - dir. Daniels

Surrealist Comedy/Drama

13 year old me would’ve gone apeshit. 2/10.

Saltburn - dir. Emerald Fennell

Psychological Thriller

Saltburn is definitely a movie I would’ve loved if I was a 16 year old edgelord, but as a 21 year old edgelord it doesn’t work, at all. Ignoring all of its sociopolitical flaws, of which there are plenty, the movie just has incredibly brainless dialogue lacking in any depth or dimension. These characters are complete dogshit, they make decisions divorced from any conceivable psychological reasoning, their only purpose being vehicles for shock value. It’s like the script was written to maximize the movie’s potential to go viral instead of, y’know, to write a good fuckin story.

Let me give you an example.

The crux of the movie is that Oliver makes most of his decisions out of a perceived love for Elordi’s character (whose name I literally cannot remember, I saw this 2 hours ago). Oh right Felix lol. Fennell doesn’t actually do any work to make us understand why he loves him besides the typical “he’s hot” trope, which makes this about as profound as a fanfiction written by a 7th grader. This immediately alienated me from Oliver as a character, because, sure, while I can relate to the feeling of being an outsider, I was never able to understand why he fell for this bland hot guy.

Saltburn, more than anything, feels like a rich person’s take on Parasite. It is Fennell’s attempt at a class narrative, and it fails because she wants the aesthetics of Parasite without putting the work in to earn those payoffs. 3/10.

The Boy Who Cried Bitch - dir. Juan José Campanella

Drama/Indie

We Need To Talk About Kevin but multiply it by three and instead of any subtlety (which Kevin already lacks) you get dumb camp that just comes off as gleefully edgy instead of subversive or thought-provoking. On top of that, the movie is shot terribly, with mics dipping in and out of frame. I’m not one to criticize low-budget movies but come on, I’ve worked on student films with tighter coordination than this. 4/10.

Godzilla Minus One - dir. Takashi Yamazaki

Kaiju

One thing I commend this movie on is making me care about its characters. Believe it or not this is a rare accomplishment in modern filmmaking that deserves to be celebrated. Are the performances and dialogue extremely cheesy? Yeah but I guess I don’t mind too much, as a kaiju movie it works well. 7/10.

Saving Face - dir. Alice Wu

RomCom/Drama

A ridiculously cute movie. I made a review about how all my lesbian followers need to check it out but honestly you don’t even gotta be gay. I’m the straightest dude of all time (fact) and this film was extremely likable. I mean really how can you hate it? I wanna say shoutout to Joan Chen (she plays Gao) for being one of the best performances ever. Legitimately find it hard to believe that she isn’t a traditional-minded Chinese MILF with a closeted lesbian daughter IRL. God-tier acting. 7/10.

12 Years A Slave - dir. Steve McQueen

Period Drama

This is a story of survival, plain and simple. An essential story, even. We live in a time where the evil of the United States is oft-forgotten, dismissed, shoved under the rug. I don’t think this is a masterpiece, but I think the fact that there’s a film about the sheer horror that is slavery in the mainstream is an inarguably good thing for society as a whole. 7/10.

Blue Gate Crossing - dir. Yee Chih-yen

Coming-of-Age/Romance

I like what this movie has to say, about the fragility of crushes and friendships in grade school and how growing up is an attempt to reconcile the fragile with the permanent, but the truth is that I just threw those words together to sound smart and I actually got very little out of this movie. Still pretty cute though and I love how Taiwanese movies portray adolescence. 6/10.

Cross of Iron - dir. Sam Peckinpah

War is bad but this time from the POV of German soldiers. Not saying this is morally wrong or anything it just brings nothing new to the table. I tuned out after the thirtieth oh man bombs are dropping explosions boom pow pschhhhchhh 4/10.

When Evil Lurks - dir. Demián Rugna

Supernatural Horror

When Evil Lurks is a grotesquely awesome horror movie buried under heaps of downright stupid levels of exposition and poor decision making. There’s a scene near the end where the protagonist makes such an unforgivably dumb choice against all conceivable logic that I can’t help but lose all patience and investment in the brutal narrative the movie tries to sell me on. I give extra points for just how vomit-inducing the violence in this movie is, but making me want to make use of an airport’s facilities can only take a movie so far. 6/10.

Inland Empire - dir. David Lynch

Surrealist Horror

Near the end of the film there’s a moment where a character takes a step back from the television and turns to discover what is presumably her husband and child entering her secluded, liminal room. She embraces them with joyous relief, the same way a child might run to their parents’ room after a bad dream.

I knew going into Inland Empire that I wasn’t going to be able to rationally keep track of the plot. The nature of dreams prohibits this very notion. They’re chaotic, uncomfortable, sometimes even dull. Inland Empire is really the closest I’ve seen cinema approach a facsimile of a nightmare. Instead of attempting to overpower the plot with brute force, I tried to concentrate my quadruple airplane-induced sleep-deprived brain into feeling the feelings. Hell, I didn’t even watch this movie with subtitles, so the scenes in Polish were about as intellectually stimulating as a blurry selfie taken at 2 in the morning.

My interpretation of Inland Empire is twofold; one, I think it’s a distillation of guilt and regret over adultery, a surrealist examination of the rot in a relationship that can occur when parties act unfaithfully, when vows are broken. Two, I think Lynch is telling the viewer to go the fuck outside. No, I’m not kidding. That scene I talked about in the first paragraph was like a cold water shock to my media-addled catatonic senses. It is December 14th when I write this, and I’ve been traveling Australia for over a month. Somehow I’ve found the time to watch, like, 80 movies. I’m not going to say it was a waste of time, and I derived a lot of joy from the experience, but at a certain point, similar to the aforementioned woman watching TV, it’s impossible not to feel like the characters and stories you’re consuming ARE you. It’s almost like they consume YOU. So when she breaks out of that, gets some reprieve by literally hugging her family, it’s like–holy shit. David Lynch is telling ME to turn this movie off and go the fuck outside.

Unfortunately, I watched Inland Empire about 35,000 feet in the air sitting next to a very sweet Korean couple who no doubt looked at what I was watching with abject horror. Had I made the decision to go outside, as the movie was very obviously prompting me to do, I would have plummeted to my death. Though perhaps that’s a better outcome than 3 layovers and spending 48 hours on airplanes and in airports. Who knows? 8/10.

It’s Such a Beautiful Day - dir. Don Hertzfeldt

Experimental

I’m not a very pleasant person, I’ve discovered on my travels. I have a limited amount of patience for people, and once it wears thin, I get cynical and annoying. It’s not a trait I’m proud of, but I preface this review with a personal little paragraph because I went into this movie ready to roll my fucking eyes. I mean look at this fucking thing right. Look at how fucking cheesy it is. Listen to Don Hertzfeldt’s fucking voice man, how fucking corny is that? He’s not remotely funny, man, holy shit this movie is soooo lam–

Click.

I start weeping. I can remember the exact moment, too. The very moment my grouchy heart opened up to this movie.

“Though he can recognize his ex-girlfriend because of her long hair, he can’t remember her name.”

It’s instantaneous. It’s like a sucker punch right to the heart. And that’s when I realize that I’m not watching a movie. I’m watching a poem in visual form, a smattering of ideas and feelings put to doodles and blurry photographs.

But there’s a second moment too. A moment that not loudly, not even forcefully, peels back my ribcage to expose my beating, crybaby bitch of a heart.

“You are forgiven.” 8/10.

Punch-Drunk Love - dir. Paul Thomas Anderson

Absurdist/Romance

This is the first PTA movie I’ve seen that I genuinely like. Adam Sandler is not funny but when he plays serious roles he fucking kills it; his portrayal of autism is so spot-on it’s crazy. The story here is a fairly standard romance. I enjoyed it, but it’s nothing too crazy. 7/10.

Ocean’s Eleven - dir. Steven Soderbergh

Heist/Comedy

Oozes charisma. Makes me want to form my own crew sooooo bad. Where my boys at? Let’s get this shit going bruh. Let’s heist a Yogurtland or something. Who’s down? Dibs on being Rusty, my snack of choice being a slice of New York pie. The rest of the homies can fight over the rest.

*for legal reasons I do not actually intend to heist Yogurtland.

7/10.

The Watch - dir. Akiva Schaffer

Comedy/Sci-Fi

Vince Vaughn might be the unfunniest man alive. This cannot be the same director who made Hot Rod and Popstar. What the fuck Akiva. 1/10.

Same Love, Same Rain - dir. Juan José Campanella

Romance

Juan Jose Campanella makes movies about love and politics. The movie that put him on my radar, The Secret in Their Eyes, is more similar than you’d think to Same Love Same Rain, and no, it’s not just because the two leads are the same actors. Sure, Darín and Villamil have insane chemistry, but it’s not just that. Same Love Same Rain is self-actualization and bookends, a multi-decade love story that features characters trying to find themselves in the midst of political upheaval, which not-so-subtly reflects their own personal turmoil.

Jorge is an idealistic man who is broken down by the censorship of his work and writer’s block. Laura is a woman fueled by passion trying to make sense of the fire of love. Jorge struggles with his principles and Laura struggles with her heart. I was moved by their trajectory as characters, more so than I expected.

What I love most about this movie is its script. The dialogue is just terrific. It’s got this smooth, humanistic touch that works for a love story but also works for the dual character study being presented. 8/10.

The Host - dir. Bong Joon-ho

Monster/Melodrama

A monster movie with clever creative instincts from one of my favorite directors, held back mostly by what I feel to be a lack of compelling protagonists. I’m not against dumb characters, my issue is that the core relationship of the movie (father and daughter) never feels urgent enough for me to buy into the melodrama. 6/10.

Lost in Translation - dir. Sofia Coppola

Up there as one of the whitest movies ever made. I’m staying in Japan as I write this. It’s obvious that this was created by somebody whose idea of Japan was self-centered as fuck. Every Japanese character is a ridiculous cartoon caricature. And you know what? Fine. I can accept self-centered whiteness in a script. In an industry full of nepo babies, it makes sense.

But if you’re gonna make all your Japanese ‘characters’ cartoons, your main two characters better be well-written. 40 minutes into the movie and I still could not tell you a single thing about Johansson’s character. Charlotte’s her name I think? What does she care about? What are her values? Who fucking knows.

Bill Murray is fine here, I guess. I don’t know. Obviously his reactions to the Japanese people he interacts with come across as ridiculously unlikable, but I’ll give the benefit of the doubt and assume it was intentional. I don’t know. This movie is fucking annoying. 3/10.

No Hard Feelings - dir. Gene Stupnitsky

RomCom

Impossible for me to hate this movie. Jennifer Lawrence is great, the story is cliche but likable, just a super cute time. Made me smile, made me laugh, kind of the perfect romcom in that sense. Nothing crazy, but I enjoyed myself. 7/10.

What Happens Later - dir. Meg Ryan

RomCom

I’m a gigantic fan of Meg Ryan and David Duchovny so when I first saw the trailer for this I was excited. It seemed like my kind of movie, albeit somewhat generic. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t as charming as I hoped. I don’t know. I wish it was funnier. Duchovny and Ryan usually have better comedic chops than this. Bummer. 4/10.

Son of the Bride - dir. Juan José Campanella

Drama

I might’ve given this movie an even higher score if I wasn’t so mentally distracted by my traveling and my stress over Israel/Palestine. But that’s neither here nor there (Free Palestine btw, sorry mom and dad).

Campanella’s work seems to be centered on love as a generational, decades-long process as opposed to the typical Western love story that takes place over weeks or months. Rather than being drug-like and inauthentic, Campanella takes us on long journeys with the characters, showing us love expressed as a commitment of will and struggle. We love in spite of the obstacles. We love in spite of Alzheimer’s, heart problems, and time.

This is a fucking adorable movie. It meanders a bit but it’s just so cute. 7/10.

The Guest - dir. Adam Wingard

Thriller

Really surprised this isn’t a sigma male classic. Feels like one of those movies insecure young men would go crazy for. It wants to be Drive but it has neither the directorial skill nor the acting performances to actually bring the setting to life. 2/10.

Chip N’ Dale: Rescue Rangers - dir. Akiva Schaffer

Family/Comedy

My rule with comedies is that if they can’t make me laugh within the first twenty minutes more than twice or care about their characters I stop watching. I was also admittedly pretty instantly skeptical going into this movie because it’s Disney and I knew it’d be full of references. So yeah, overall, I didn’t exactly have high expectations. I only watched this because the director, Akiva Schaffer, one-third of the Lonely Island (love em), directed two of my favorite comedies ever.

So now I’m just depressed. 1/10.

It Felt Like Love - dir. Eliza Hittman

Coming-of-Age

Eliza Hittman’s movies are a perfect portrait of the teenage wasteland. Nothing makes me more grateful to be in my twenties than watching one of her movies. I watched her filmography backwards, and though she’s improved as a director with time, even her debut is absurdly solid. Hittman is able to pull out devastation from small, traumatic scenes, without much in the way of fanfare. Just the shot of the protagonist riding a bus back home with pink sunglasses on her eyes was enough to break my heart.

Yet, behind the barren void of emotion on the surface of her films lies implicit backstory that, when pieced together, makes her characters feel effortlessly layered. They don’t let us in through words as much as through their mistakes. The teenagers of Hittman’s world carry lumps in their throats big enough to split the world in half. I don’t cry, I look away in sympathy and disappointment as they spiral deeper and deeper into emotional oblivion. 7/10.

Underdogs - dir. Juan José Campanella

Family/Sports

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT THE FUCK WAS CAMPANELLA COOKING BRO 1/10

White Chicks - dir. Keenen Ivory Wayans

Comedy

That 6/10 rating is no joke. I genuinely think this is an intelligent comedy film with some hilarious sociological subtext. So many modern comedies utterly fail at presenting their core political message, forgetting the simple fact that the movie is, at its core, meant to make you LAUGH. I have NO problem with political comedy! But White Chicks blows movies like Barbie and Bottoms out of the water. It has issues, sure. Its beginning is meandering and it’s got some fluff along the way. But for the most part? I really did enjoy this.

I know people are gonna wonder what the fuck I’m talking about when I say “White Chicks” has sociological subtext. Frankly, I’m not sure how much of it I’d pick up on if I hadn’t watched like a billion video essays from Black creators on youtube like Tee Noir and FD Signifier, but nonetheless this movie pokes fun at race relations in a VERY funny way, like Terry Crews’ character’s comical fixation on white women, or how our two protagonists start the movie shitting on the white girls only to realize that they’ve got their own problems too. It flips perspectives in a really funny way. 6/10.