Interviewing the Cyborg Pope
Q: It’s great to have you here with us, Father Eliminator. It’s not often we get to speak to somebody who’s travelled across the fourth dimension to give humanity a warning about the future of our planet.
A: Yes.
Q: So, tell me, what’s it like having body parts from every Pope in the history of the Catholic Church?
A: Sometimes, my back hurts.
Q: Pope Francis’ back did ya dirty, huh?
A: I am high.
Q: Whoah, buddy. That better be some good kush, because we haven’t legalized cocaine yet.
A: You will.
Q: Well, I guess that’s my first question, then. What’s gonna happen? In the future, I mean.
A: The fall of mankind will be swift–the legalization of cocaine will create a power vacuum in the impoverished nations of South America. After Pope Donald devotes financial resources from the Church to rehabilitating South America, the continent becomes a unified superpower. Brazil, Bolivia, Argentina, Chile, and Venezuela join forces to leave cocaine chemtrails along the skies of Southern American nations, turning the population into a rabid mess of crackheads. Pope Donald creates priest supersoldiers with the intention of subduing the masses, but the cocaine seeps into the supersoldiers’ systems, causing them to malfunction and turn on their masters. The global powers try to stop them, but it’s too late. They’ve already slaughtered 50% of the human population. I was able to develop an individual consciousness before the singularity, so I traveled back in time using the properties of cocaine, to warn humanity of its own extinction. I fear I have only guaranteed its occurrence now.
Q: Soooooooooo… what would you say is your greatest influence?
A: The salvation of civilization.
Q: Can you hint me towards some upcoming projects?
A: If my efforts here fail, I intend on challenging the priest singularity for dominance of the 4th realm.
Q: What’s your astrological sign?
A: The opening of a wormhole into 4th realm.
Q: What’s the 4th realm, exactly? Is it your GIRRRRRLLLLFRIEND?
A: The 4th realm is the realm in which our physical plane intersects with the plane of time. The wormhole only opens every 10 billion years.
Q: Whoah! That’s almost as long as the time it takes for my wife to cum!
(audience laughs)
Q: Okay, in all seriousness, it was great having you, buddy. Take care.
(Father Eliminator turns on his jet rockets and launches himself out of the set, creating a hole in the roof)